April 29, 2009
We get to the theatre with plenty of time. I even point out a real, valid parking space! I say hi to all my friends and we got to our seats with plenty of time. This never happens! The night is good. We're watching the show laughing and holding hands. I shift in my seat, re: dress, and all of a sudden I am smacked in the face with the smell of urine. I'm thinking to myself that there is no way I'm smelling piss. I shift again to check- afraid it's me (why would it be me?) and still smell it. I wonder if an old theatre patron couldn't help himself and peed on the seat at a previous show and I was sitting in his dry urine crystals. I wouldn't be surprised at all if it were true- most of our patrons are OLD. But I would have heard of the peeing man. Then I get an idea to smell my purse since it was the only new item in my ensemble from earlier in the day. OH MY GOD MY PURSE SMELLED LIKE PISS. More specifically CAT PISS. MY PURSE SMELLED LIKE CAT PISS AND I DIDN'T NOTICE IT FOR AN HOUR. What is the matter with me? More importantly WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH MY CAT?
We're leaving the play and I ask Mike to smell my purse to make sure I'm not losing my mind. He refuses so I accept the fact that I WORE A PURSE SPRAYED WITH CAT PISS. AND I CAN'T STOP YELLING ABOUT IT. Here's the strangest thing about the piss purse- it was hanging from the top of the closet door where it always hangs. For the life of me I cannot figure out when or how the cat got her girlbits on my effing purse. It wasn't right before we left because the purse wasn't wet and nothing in the purse smelled. What the hell? So now I'll wash it, move on and pray it never happens again. I simply hope it was my cat's piss and not some cat at a friend's house. That would just be gross.
April 28, 2009
Well, since I've kept my weight down and we've had an 80+ degree heat wave in Albany for the past few days I went out on a lark and wore a skirt yesterday. It wasn't that bad. In fact I'd say it was great! So great I wore a dress today. I help keep the skin on skin stickiness down by sitting with my legs wide open under my desk and at home. Mike loves it. Also, the distance between work and home is the perfect distance. Right when I start to get overheated I'm where I need to be and once I'm there, my feet are in the invisible gyno stirrups giving my crotch a breath of fresh air.
This is exciting because it's fun to wear skirts. I feel like I'm putting a little more effort into the way I look and that always makes me feel better about myself. I'm actually a little sad that the temperatures will be back to seasonally appropriate tomorrow and the skirts will have to wait. But now I can buy more skirts for later! And have many more cute ensembles! What girl doesn't like new ensembles? I never knew I could exist so comfortably in a skirt. And let me tell you, 40 fewer pounds really helps with the whole brush fire in my pants, if you catch my drift. And I think you do.
April 27, 2009
My argument for the name Beatrice is pretty much based solely one of my idols- Bea Arthur. People say Beatrice is a name that lacks humor. I point to Bea Arthur. Arthur is best known for her sharp witticisms and one liners and according to Rue McClahanan, Arthur knew how to tell a dirty joke. People say Beatrice is a name that lacks strength and character. I point to Bea Arthur. Arthur didn't achieve television fame until she was 50 years old and before then she was a Tony winning stage actress. And she was one of the first women marines- she volunteered as a medic in WWII. People say Beatrice is a name of a dead era. I point to Bea Arthur. As the eponymous character in her show Maude, Arthur tackled incredibly taboo and progressive subjects on national television such as abortion (her show was the first on prime time television to do so) and as the irascible Dorothy Zbornak on Golden Girls she tackled previously untouched topics like menopause and homosexuality. (She received hate mail for the topics on Maude so the woman had balls.)
I idolize Bea Arthur for all of the above and more. Unlike Designing Women star Dixie Carter, Arthur really supported the same causes as her characters. She rooted for the underdog and why wouldn't she? She was a 5' 10" lounge singer with a scratchy voice who later achieved stardom. She was active with AIDS charities and AIDS awareness. She was a staunch feminist. She believed in equality. She was old. She was just awesome. She's the grandmother I always wanted. May she rest in peace. Bea Arthur, I already miss you.
April 23, 2009
April 22, 2009
That poor girl. Yeah, she was dumb for having unprotected sex but can you imagine the immediate, totally oppressive responsibility and alienation she must've felt? I mean after she came to? It must be like Alien when the alien pops out of John Hurt's belly only it was popping out of her vagina. I would not be okay if that happened to me. But then I started thinking... how awesome! Aside from being totally unprepared for labor and the impending doom of having someone rely on you for the rest of your life, she had a perfect pregnancy! Only a ten pound gain? No morning sickness? No gas? A healthy-ish baby? Amazing! A freaking miracle. I could only be so lucky.
But I am not jealous by any stretch. Believe it or not, my goal is not to have the child in a fast food joint. Besides, my clock is not ticking. I don't think my ovaries are husks (unlike other people.) Friends of mine have little bubbas and I am not jealous. But man, I LOVE BABIES. I think I love them as much as Angelina Jolie loves collecting them. I just want to eat them up they are soooo cute. Cute, but equally terrifying. I don't know what I find the most terrifying about having children- the responsibility, what it will do to my marriage, what it will do to the already orbit-inducing size of my ass, or what it will do for my self image. I just don't know.
I think about this a lot. It's not like I need to. I'm not pregnant. Let me repeat that- I AM NOT PREGNANT. I just like philosophizing about parenthood. Am I going to be a suffocatingly emotionally needy mother? Am I going to be cold towards my children? Will I maintain my sense of self? Will my sense of self revolve around my child? Will my children have red hair? Will I know how to relate to them if they are nothing like me? Will I be Debbie Reynolds in Mother and resent my first born for ruining any unfulfilled dreams? I know no one has this shit figured out even when their kids are having kids. But I worry that I won't be able to accept what parenthood will do to me. Or my ass.
If I went to the doctor tomorrow and they were like, oh you have a pea in your pod, I would turn my head and puke and cry out of fear and frustration. But then I would buck up and be fine. Maybe even a little excited. I would fight tooth and nail with Mike over baby names and come to terms that I will probably never own my home. I have to accept that my dreams may change more quickly than I would like. The woman on that show had no time to think about these things. People usually have on average nine months to come to terms with the life-altering changes and this girl had nothing. Maybe that's the most terrifying thing of all about that show. Not the blood but the total lack of emotional preparation. In that respect, I will be the lucky one.
April 20, 2009
Kathleen Edwards, "Six O'Clock News" 2003
Kathleen Edwards, "Back To Me" 2005
Gillian Welch, "Elvis Presley Blues" 2001
Alison Krauss and Union Station, "Let Me Touch You For Awhile" 2001
If you like these I suggest you check out the soundtrack for O Brother, Where Art Thou? if you haven't already done so. Alison Krauss and Gillian Welch are on the soundtrack. I find the craftsmanship in the music just remarkable. The story telling in folk and bluegrass is unlike any other kind of lyrical music. It calms me and lets my mind wander to a better, more peaceful place. It's wonderful.
I wonder what kind of cancer I'm going to have. I'm convinced my breasts are going to kill me. My tiny lady lumps of death. Will it be a bump or invasive? Will I lose my hair? Would Mike shave his head in solidarity? Would I lose weight or get really effing fat?
The cat trips me all the time. Luckily I catch myself but that doesn't stop me thinking about the ways I can fall into the counter and break something. Also, I don't have any stairs in my home- what about stairs? The cat is going to trip me at the top of the stairs. I know it. How far I will fall? How will I land? Will I snap my neck or will I just break my teeth? Will I pee myself when I break my neck?
When I slip in the shower will I grab the curtain so no one finds me naked?
April 11, 2009
Second of all this is the cover of my school's magazine:
Read the blurbie about the women in courage. Notice anything amiss? No? Well, it's time for another grammar quiz, boys and girls. Affect vs. effect. Affect is a verb. Effect is a noun. Want an incredibly easy way to remember that? A sound EFFECT is a thing. Now you have NO REASON to get that wrong ever again. Let's try, shall we?
1. With UMW degrees Afghan women aspire to affect change in their native land.
2. The appearance of a domestic abuser during DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AWARENESS WEEK had no affect on the college community.
3. My favorite president visited UMW with Joe Biden whilst on the campaign trail. His policies are going to effect our nation for generations to come- good or bad.
So. Let's see how we all did. If you guessed #1 as correct, then you know the cover of the magazine was wrong, SO WRONG, and you know your grammar. As for #2, if this was your choice you are a lover of irony but not of grammar. If you guessed #3, you are WRONG and you need to refresh the lesson.
Full disclosure, the cover isn't REALLY wrong outright. There is an old rule that states that use as an exception. BUT THAT IS THE EXCEPTION NOT THE RULE!!!!!
I hope we all learned something here today. I know I did. My school needs to rethink its image...
April 8, 2009
To Win the Price is Right. And win it big.
If I was holding hostages and I had an unreasonable demand? Hmmmmm. I can't decide between unlimited Chipotle followed by a bunch of laxatives so I could then eat more Chipotle or winning The Price is Right- but not with Drew Carey, with lecherous Bob Barker himself. How fabulous would it be to get Bob Barker to one more time remind America to spay and neuter their pets while he directs me to my new matching set of water skis, mahogany bedroom set, Mikasa dishware and RV? Pretty damn fabulous. Then again, there isn't a Chipotle for miles...
Phantogram is a local band that used to be known as Charlie Everywhere. Since they were signed to a British music label had to change the name to be something less offensive to the Asian population. Now the boy/girl duo from Saratoga Springs are known Phantogram and they have a five song EP out that I've been listening to over and over again since some friends of mine and I randomly checked out a show of theirs one Saturday night. I listened to almost nothing but those five songs until I watched Saturday Night Live last week and saw Phoenix for the first time. I LOVED what they played and Mike and I couldn't figure out why we hadn't heard of them yet. He and I only listen to local, indie radio that goes out on a limb and plays lesser known artists such as Phoenix and we hadn't heard of them. So he did what he did best- hit the Internet and I did what I do best (no not that)- I went to iTunes and impulsively bought some stuff of theirs. Well, I loved what I heard so much I bought their entire catalogue.
You probably won't fall for these bands like I did. I mean, I am totally obsessed musically. Unlike other musical obsessions I don't want to be anyone's friend or lover. My how I've grown up! I just adore the singable melodies played over the synthpop of Phantogram and the funky indie totally danceable rock of Phoenix. Anywhoodle, here's some samples. There will be more of Phoenix simply because there is more.
Phantogram, "Mouthful of Diamonds"
Phoenix, "If I Ever Feel Better"
I love Phoenix's inherent Frenchness. Man! I love it when I find new stuff that breathes life into my collection! Ohhh la la indeed.
April 6, 2009
I've been looking at recommended blogs that share the goal of having a fun, inexpensive wedding that shows the couple's individual style. I've already gotten some fantastic ideas from these:
A Practical Wedding
2000 Dollar Wedding
Ten Thousand Only
I've gotten great ideas for all kinds of things. We'll see if we can do it and we're very confident we can. I love $2000 Wedding the most because though our budget is $10,000, I aim for lower. No matter, these sites fit the attitude I have to planning the wedding. And so far Mike's been on board with everything I've proposed. Yay!
I just don't understand why people are okay with spending an AVERAGE of $24,000 on a wedding and reception. I'm not saying that spending that kind of money makes you a bad person it just proves you have very different priorities. We have debt to pay and a house to someday buy and braces to put on the kids we want to have assuming I'm not sterile (really, my orthodontia work is something to behold.) Maybe these people are loaded or saved up for a wedding or just don't care to rack up more credit card debt. I'm not comfortable spending our current budget but we can't have a BBQ (we can but I don't think Mom liked that idea at all...) that we make ourselves for 160 people and the PRESIDENT AND HIS BEAUTIFUL WIFE. We need to have something professionally done.
Anyway, I'll be posting some stuff I have planned if you're interested. Hell, even if you aren't interested this is my blog and I'll write what I want to. I'm very excited about what we have brewing but I won't let it dominate what goes on here. I think I've already proved that since I've been engaged for four months and hardly ever mentioned it. But I think you'll like what you see. I'm crafty.
April 3, 2009
I'm sure I'll think of others more deserving of this title but these are totally worthy.
I think it's the video with the bad overalls. Being a visual person I can't shake the image from the song.
This song makes me inexplicably nauseous. It must take me back to an unkown dark place in my childhood.
April 2, 2009
A while back I was having a particularly difficult few years in my job. I would come home and shut myself off because I couldn't come out of the funk I was in every day. It took a while but I finally found a great way to help myself out of it- I practiced defining myself in other ways. It was really hard at first. Our society is such that we work more than we play and my generation is such that we choose careers that reflect our personalities. I grew up thinking I could be whatever I wanted to be because I liked so much stuff. I pictured being a ballerina because I love to dance, I pictured being an engineer because I am great with spatial math, or I pictured being an arts administrator because the arts make my soul sing. Currently I am in a job that reveals nothing about myself. I never expected to be here and I don't know how to make it work for myself.
So since I'm sort of stuck here professionally speaking, I'm trying new things elsewhere and putting myself out there more. I never, in my wildest dreams, imagined I would race in triathlons. Now I am a triathlete. I used to just as soon buy gifts but one day coworkers invited me to make some jewelry with beads. Now I make gifts for loved ones with my hands. I am happier now than I've been in a long time because I don't think of myself in terms of how I spend eight hours a day. Now I think of myself in terms of how I make the other time count.
We should all conduct an experiment. The next time we meet someone and that question comes up, we should answer with a hobby or a craft or a personality trait, even. "What do you do?" I race in triathlons. "So, what do you do?" Sometimes I like to collage. "What do you do?" I manage a winning fantasy football team. "What do you do?" I care. Try it and see what happens. Maybe you'll discover something new about yourself.