Grammar is the Cheese to My Language Crackers

Yesterday as I walked home I was wondering if my grandmother feels the need to update me on my cousin's wonderful life because she thinks my cousin is better than me or because she has nothing better to say to me. Besides realizing I need to let what Grandma had to say go, I realized I was using incorrect grammar in my head and I had to set the record straight. Pronouns is today's lesson, folks.

Which of the following is correct?

1) My grandmother thinks my cousin is better than me because my cousin has two children and is taking all of her classes towards her degree online.

2) Mike says it doesn't matter why my grandmother tells me anything about my cousin. Besides, I'm not better than she, either.

3) Whenever my grandmother called my house she wouldn't say hello- she would say, "Theresa?" "This isn't Theresa, this is Katherine." "Can I please talk to Katherine?" "This is her."

4) Mike asked me if my brother makes better macaroni and cheese than him and I had to plead the 5th.

If you answered 1, you probably think I have issues- you would be right about that but be wrong about your grammar. If you answered 2, you probably agree with Mike and I can agree with you about your correct grammar. If you think 3, you realize my grandmother needs a lesson in manners and you need a lesson in how to answer the phone with correct grammar. If 4 is your answer, you probably know that Mike didn't really ask me that because he doesn't give a poop about it and you realize you don't give a poop about grammar.

Grammar students, don't worry- I'm seeing a very helpful therapist. But DO worry about your grammar health. The trick in remembering which pronoun to use is in adding the verb "to be" after the pronoun in question. (Except for the one about answering the phone "this is she," I never really remember the rule to that one. All I know is my 10th grade English teacher gave us some old grammar text books and answering the phone "this is she" was the only correct answer. But if you think about it, the verb "to be" does not create a direct object, prepositions do. So it's correct to say give the phone "to her" because of the preposition to but incorrect to say "this is her" because is doesn't change the pronoun's state from indirect to direct.) Does that make sense, class?

The correct answers are such:

1) My grandmother thinks my cousin is better than I (am) because my cousin has two children and is taking all of her classes towards her degree online.

2) Mike says it doesn't matter why my grandmother tells me anything about my cousin. Besides, I'm not better than she (is), either.

3) Whenever my grandmother called my house she wouldn't say hello- she would say, "Theresa?" "This isn't Theresa, this is Katherine." "Can I please talk to Katherine?" "This is she."

4) Mike asked me if my brother makes better macaroni and cheese than he (does) and I had to plead the 5th.

So, we all learned something here today. You all learned that I have issues while at the same time how to use pronouns a little better. I learned I need to get over my attitude towards my cousin and grandmother while I'm at it. Don't we all feel a little bit better?