The Day I Said Hello To My Little "Friend"

I'm very proactive when it comes to my health. I go for yearly physicals, yearly gyno visits, get my teeth cleaned at least once a year, and I take so many vitamins my fluorescent urine could sprout a baby from the dirt. So every year I have at least two opportunities to address the searing pain I feel in my abdomen when I sneeze, laugh too hard or cough. It's not every time I sneeze, laugh too hard or cough, but the pain is often. And severe. I feel like my left ovary is trying to punch its way out of my body with shear anger.

This year I decided to really get to the bottom of this so I made my gyno take an extra look. He confirmed the pain was stemming from my ovary by the face I made when he poked around the vicinity of my angry little ovum dispenser. He couldn't feel anything like a cyst so he scheduled me for a sonogram to get a better look of things. I needed a sonogram? Okay. Fine. I scheduled it for a Friday so I could leave work early and not have to worry about it. But the office closes at 11am so I will have to go back to work afterwards. Bummer but okay. Fine. I just hoped I don't feel somehow violated after the procedure. I have no idea what to expect but this does have to do with my lady bits so I assumed the worst.

I assumed that I would need to take something off to get a picture of my pissed off ovary taken so I arrived for my sonogram with easy to take off clothes, cute socks and underwear. I've never had a sonogram before so I had no idea what to expect. Will I have to take off everything? Just my bottoms? Take off nothing? I quickly had my answer. I had to take everything off. Okay. Fine. Easier to do the sonogramming I guess. But once I had my fancy paper gown on and feel the stiff breeze of central air is when I notice the stirrups. I'm kindly asked to place my feet in the stirrups and then a wand is prepared with some jelly. A WAND. I'm kindly asked to help maneuver the wand into my weewaw so the tech can get a better picture of my insides. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. How could I be so ignorant? Oh man, it was so uncomfortable. The tech didn't make any small talk to fill the awkward silence while so I decide to tell a story about a friend of mine who faced a similar surprise. I tried not to laugh because I didn't want to ruin the image of the grimacing ovary so I just drummed my fingers on my chest until she mercifully removed the probe.

I was told to go wait for the doctor in his usual exam room. Where the nurse directed me to TAKE EVERYTHING OFF AGAIN. Back to the paper gown I went. And I proceeded to wait for 15 minutes only for him to come in and tell me my ovaries are perfect and that there is nothing wrong with them. If I want, he can go in surgically to check things out but I figure that is unneccesary. He told me this while he wrote me a prescription for ibuprofen. Okay. Fine. All that for nothing. I have bared all of my lady-bits to two strangers in one day- for FREE- for stupid IBUPROFEN. I could have saved the co-pay and the stiff breeze. At least I know I'm healthy. I just wish I had something to appease the pissy ovary and give me some comfort. Sigh.