Grammar is the Spanish to My Language Fly

I am incredibly disappointed in my collegiate Alma mater these days. First of all, known girlfriend beater Chris Brown stopped by to play some basketball in the college gym. Why? I don't know- it was totally random. What I do know is he was there and he was there during domestic violence awareness week. No one batted an eye. Women were posing with him for pictures left and right. No school officials took the opportunity to address the tremendous irony. He was just a celebrity to them. Everyone seemed to forget that he's a celebrity who beat his girlfriend.

Second of all this is the cover of my school's magazine:

Read the blurbie about the women in courage. Notice anything amiss? No? Well, it's time for another grammar quiz, boys and girls. Affect vs. effect. Affect is a verb. Effect is a noun. Want an incredibly easy way to remember that? A sound EFFECT is a thing. Now you have NO REASON to get that wrong ever again. Let's try, shall we?

1. With UMW degrees Afghan women aspire to affect change in their native land.

2. The appearance of a domestic abuser during DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AWARENESS WEEK had no affect on the college community.

3. My favorite president visited UMW with Joe Biden whilst on the campaign trail. His policies are going to effect our nation for generations to come- good or bad.

So. Let's see how we all did. If you guessed #1 as correct, then you know the cover of the magazine was wrong, SO WRONG, and you know your grammar. As for #2, if this was your choice you are a lover of irony but not of grammar. If you guessed #3, you are WRONG and you need to refresh the lesson.

Full disclosure, the cover isn't REALLY wrong outright. There is an old rule that states that use as an exception. BUT THAT IS THE EXCEPTION NOT THE RULE!!!!!

I hope we all learned something here today. I know I did. My school needs to rethink its image...

Grammar is the Peanut to My Language Butter

Today's test concerns the use of then and than. These aren't too easily confused and yet people still mix them up. Than is used to compare. Then is used to define a moment in time. Let us illustrate. Select the correct use of then or than:

1. I'm waiting for my mother to die and than I will get married. It's out of spite. That's why I'm not married yet. Mom's death than my wedding.

2. First comes love then comes children, then comes marriage and a baby carriage. What, that's not how it goes? No wonder my mother keeps reminding me marriage comes first.

3. Marriage is less important to me then cheese. That's why I've eaten plenty of cheese but not yet gotten married.

4. I would rather pull my own teeth out with a door knob than have the conversation with my mother in which she awkwardly tells me that she just wants me to be happy but can't understand why I'm not married yet. Oh and did she mention that you have kids AFTER you get married? Yeah, three times.

One is the incorrect use of than but a correct assessment of how irrational my mother makes me. Two is a correct use of then but not correct about the order of making babies and marriage. Three is an incorrect use of then as well as incorrect about my feelings about marriage (but I REALLY do like cheese.) And four is correct all around.

I hate the holidays.

Grammar is the Jam to My Language Toast

Today we're going to cover there, their, they're. It is important to not look like a boob in one's writing so we're going to discuss the difference between the three. They are frequently confused with one another and to say I didn't confuse them once or twice myself would be a lie. But I usually catch it and correct it in proof reading and that's why I look like just an idiot instead of a boob.

Here's today's quiz:

1) When the meals for Meals on Wheels are ready, Michelle Obama will make sure their on the correct bus.

2) Sarah Palin and her family doesn't realize that it is not okay to end all they're words without a hard "g." I guess over their in Alaska there ain't no "g's" to be found.

3) The Obama girls just love their Jonas Brothers.

4) The Palin girls totally paid attention to there abstinence only sex education.

This quiz is a little silly because most people know that their is the possesive of they, that they're is a contraction of they are, and there is a location. However, when people don't pay attention to what they are doing, it's easy to slip and type the incorrect word. It doesn't help at all that they all sound exactly the same in one's head. So, how'd you do?

1) When the meals for Meals on Wheels are ready, Michelle Obama will make sure they're on the correct bus.

2) Sarah Palin and her family doesn't realize that it is not okay to end all their words without a hard "g." I guess over there in Alaska there ain't no "g's" to be found.

3) The Obama girls just love their Jonas Brothers.

4) The Palin girls totally paid attention to their abstinence only sex education.

There was a trick in there- #2 had three uses and two were incorrect. The third there was used correctly. The only fully correct answer was #3. It's true those little rascals just love those queer Jonas brothers. Yes, indeedy.

Grammar is the Cheese to My Language Crackers

Yesterday as I walked home I was wondering if my grandmother feels the need to update me on my cousin's wonderful life because she thinks my cousin is better than me or because she has nothing better to say to me. Besides realizing I need to let what Grandma had to say go, I realized I was using incorrect grammar in my head and I had to set the record straight. Pronouns is today's lesson, folks.

Which of the following is correct?

1) My grandmother thinks my cousin is better than me because my cousin has two children and is taking all of her classes towards her degree online.

2) Mike says it doesn't matter why my grandmother tells me anything about my cousin. Besides, I'm not better than she, either.

3) Whenever my grandmother called my house she wouldn't say hello- she would say, "Theresa?" "This isn't Theresa, this is Katherine." "Can I please talk to Katherine?" "This is her."

4) Mike asked me if my brother makes better macaroni and cheese than him and I had to plead the 5th.

If you answered 1, you probably think I have issues- you would be right about that but be wrong about your grammar. If you answered 2, you probably agree with Mike and I can agree with you about your correct grammar. If you think 3, you realize my grandmother needs a lesson in manners and you need a lesson in how to answer the phone with correct grammar. If 4 is your answer, you probably know that Mike didn't really ask me that because he doesn't give a poop about it and you realize you don't give a poop about grammar.

Grammar students, don't worry- I'm seeing a very helpful therapist. But DO worry about your grammar health. The trick in remembering which pronoun to use is in adding the verb "to be" after the pronoun in question. (Except for the one about answering the phone "this is she," I never really remember the rule to that one. All I know is my 10th grade English teacher gave us some old grammar text books and answering the phone "this is she" was the only correct answer. But if you think about it, the verb "to be" does not create a direct object, prepositions do. So it's correct to say give the phone "to her" because of the preposition to but incorrect to say "this is her" because is doesn't change the pronoun's state from indirect to direct.) Does that make sense, class?

The correct answers are such:

1) My grandmother thinks my cousin is better than I (am) because my cousin has two children and is taking all of her classes towards her degree online.

2) Mike says it doesn't matter why my grandmother tells me anything about my cousin. Besides, I'm not better than she (is), either.

3) Whenever my grandmother called my house she wouldn't say hello- she would say, "Theresa?" "This isn't Theresa, this is Katherine." "Can I please talk to Katherine?" "This is she."

4) Mike asked me if my brother makes better macaroni and cheese than he (does) and I had to plead the 5th.

So, we all learned something here today. You all learned that I have issues while at the same time how to use pronouns a little better. I learned I need to get over my attitude towards my cousin and grandmother while I'm at it. Don't we all feel a little bit better?

I is Loving Grammar

Alright class. Are we ready for our grammar lesson for today? Yes? Fabulous. Our lesson today concerns the use of me or I.

Please select the correct usage:

a) This is Brad Pitt and I making out after we did three Irish Car Bombs.

b) This is George Clooney and me sunbathing nude in Tuscany.

c) This is Mike laughing after Christian Bale and me prank him, making him think I'd left him for Batman.

d) Me and Natalie Portman thank you for coming to our lecture on The Role of Zionism in Cryptozoology.

Well class? If you picked "a" you are a peeping Tom with horrendous grammar. If you picked "c" you have an excellent sense of humor but a terrible sense of grammar. If you picked "d" you don't know what you're talking about especially when talking about grammar. If you picked "b"- congratulations! You are a dirty pervert with excellent grammar skills.

The trick to choosing the correct usage of me or I is this: remove the other person's name and see if me or I makes sense. For example:

a) This is [Brad Pitt and] me making out after we did three Irish Car Bombs.

b) This is [George Clooney and] me sunbathing nude in Tuscany.

c) This is Mike laughing after [Christian Bale and] I prank him making him think I'd left him for Batman.

d) [Natalie Portman and] I thank you for coming to our lecture on The Role of Zionism in Crypotzoology.

It's a direct object rule but I'm not going to bore you with that crap. The only other thing with which I want to leave you is to always list yourself last. It is only polite. You bunch of dummies.