November 2, 2009

My Cat is an Asshole

Every morning as soon as my alarm goes off Fluffy starts her routine- walking all over me, clawing all over me, drooling all over me and biting my neck. Every blue moon she's pleasant about it- she'll just curl up next to me and start purring. When she does that I feel connected and part of a loving relationship. But if she's not in the mood I get mauled. All you have to do is look at my right arm for evidence. She claws the shit out of me. If I leave her dry food overnight she only hates me a little. But she's got to lose weight. I can't have her getting the diabetes and dying on me. That would be terrible. So I don't leave her food overnight and face the consequences in the morning.

I try to keep a routine so she can figure it out and leave me the hell alone. I get up, pee, brush my teeth, take my pill, shower, get dressed, do my make-up and hair. Then I feed her. It's the same every morning unless I go to the gym. Either she's mentally challenged or doesn't give a shit because she'll bite my legs while I'm on the toilet or getting into the shower. She's obviously not scared of me because once it gets to that point I throw her out of the bathroom and slam the door in her face only to have her come back and squawk at me. But once I get into the bedroom she's like, "Oh- you're doing your make-up? That's cool. I'll just wait over here and look adorable." She even curls up under my feet, no biting, when I'm blow-drying my hair. Wtf? But once I'm in the hallway she's in my way, tripping me. What a jerk. She's getting what she wants and she's still annoying the hell out of me.

Maybe this is all her little plan. She'll give me cat scratch fever (totally real), or make me fall in the bathroom and smack my head, or trip me in the hallway and land on something sharp (not like I leave sharp things lying around but the one day I do...) all to make me die and give her an endless supply of food. This whole time she's been sizing me up trying to figure out how long she can live off of my dead body. What an asshole.


Carrie said...

I never realized that FLuffy was so maniacal! She even has an evil plan to kill you and live off your dead body??? Wow.

Jen L. said...

Stopping by from NaBloPoMo. Sorry your cat's nuts! I think they all are to a certain extent. Happy blogging!