November 3, 2010

Ramble Bamble

It is 9:19am and I've already done my workout (35 minute swim), got ready for the day, gone grocery shopping for the next two weeks and made breakfast and lunch. I'm exhausted. However, this means once I'm out of work I'm FREE!!!!


Now it's 8:11pm and I really don't think I can make it much longer. I thought I would watch a French movie since Mike's not around and bake some cookies. Well, I've baked half the batch and will not be able to watch the movie. In fact, I think all the blood that should be in my brain is now in my stomach because I ate more Taco Bell than a pregnant woman with an aversion to vegetables. I didn't need to. But I wanted all this stuff. I'm not upset about anything. I can't even blame emotional eating. I blame gluttony. And lack of judgment at home. Not that Mike judges me. Or so he says.

At least I've been working out consistently. If I go to sleep in the few minutes I expect I will then I will get enough sleep to work out tomorrow morning. And not eat food all day. Holy crap that was a lot of Taco Bell. Man, I can really put food away. My mother called me her little garbage disposal. I wasn't even a very good one. But dude, did that moniker do a number on my psyche. Oh my God no matter what I do my kids will think I fucked up with something. Why even try? That is a question for the therapist I cannot afford. I miss my therapist.

I got to play with a baby today. The little guy cried more than he didn't. That sucked. Especially since my friend who held him said he was the quietest little dude ever. Yeah. Maybe that's why I ate all the Taco Bell. Babies hate me. That's why I won't try. If my children can't even like me when they depend on me for total sustenance then why would they like me when they can get their own food? Balls.


mvorpal said...

Don't beat yourself up for eating too much; no one can deny The BELL... not for long anyway. And relax, babies don't hate anyone. They can tell when people are nervous or anxious though, and will let you know that they know with a little verbal angst. Hope your hip improves for the 15K this Sunday :)

Teresa said...

I worry every day about the fact that I don't see how I won't mess up my kids somehow. Everyone has something they blame on their mother. Blah. I comfort myself with the idea that they will come home for my homecooked meals. Maybe. All the time rolling their eyes at me and looking at the clock.

Tina Winston said...

Don't worry about the Taco Bell. Today is a new day to start over not eating Taco Bell. And it is good that you're working out. And babies don't hate you. Very young babies just get separation and stranger anxiety very easily. The same thing happened to me with my friend's baby when he was little. Now he's two and he loves people. And remember, even if other people's babies don't immediately warm to you, your own baby will. Miss you!