Have you ever felt so lonely that your chest feels like a hole? Filled with nothing but a suffocating emptiness? More than I would like it happens to me. I don't even know how to talk about it. All I know is it's there and the depth of it radiates outward enveloping those around me. The cat doesn't notice that much but Mike does. And I don't know what to do other than retreat into myself to let the hole fill itself with trifles and distractions.
I've dealt with this waxing and waning for long enough to know that I'm the only one who can help myself. And to help myself I need to reach out to others. But that's exactly the last thing I want to do. I want to wallow because in my past experience wallowing has given me the time for introspection and resolve. Lately that time isn't working. It was so that all I had to do was have a good cry or a good night in by myself to sort it out. Now it's taking longer than I'm comfortable with.
Smiling doesn't come as naturally to me anymore. It takes more work for those around me to help me out of my funks. Those around me deserve better. But I don't think that I do.