September 25, 2010

Me Again!

Dearest Ke$ha,

Hello again! Thanks for sending a picture our way to ease Mike's frustration. You are too sweet! And now that we've seen you on Saturday Night Live, there is no doubting your ethnic background. I must say, I'm impressed with your choice of a pleather onsie. That is one ballsy move. I could never pull that off in my bedroom with the lights off let alone on national television. Especially when covered in Aboriginal nonsense. But then again, I'm not a pop star! J/k. I totally am. In my heart.

I'm writing you today because I love your new jam "Take it Off."

I think it's just great. Fun and funky with a dash of musical nostalgia. That combo takes real talent. Well done! But as you know, I'm not writing you just to sing your praise. I have some thoughts I want to share.
  1. Were you going for a Mad Max sort of feeling where mobs dance-fight over paint instead of killing for oil? Or was this a commentary on eminent domain? When the government takes over you decide to fight back by dancing with abandon. I'm not quite sure about that. But then again, you don't look too confident about that choice either...
  2. I had no idea about the connection between glitter and badassery. If I go somewhere and there's glitter on the floor is that all I need to know that shit is about to get real? Because I have no other way to gauge many situations and this is very helpful information.
  3. Driving a gold trans am dressed like a pimp is one of few ways to beg getting pulled over if you so much as drive one mile over the limit. And when the cop finds your whiskey in a water bottle, clear water bottle I presume, he will arrest your ass faster than you can smack a bitch. At least put it in a Sigg water bottle or a Klean Kanteen. (And what is your obsession with whiskey? I love whiskey as much as the next booze hound but there are other wonderful liquors in which to imbibe. Like white lightening.)
  4. Drunk texting is probably the least of your worries for the next morning after the night you are describing. I would be concerned about contacting ring worm from all the writhing nakedness. Which brings me to my next point:
  5. Mike made an excellent observation: if you are taking all your clothes off, where are your wallets and purses going? You're just asking for identity theft in this place that is "so hardcore." But forget such trifle things. What about getting glitter in your who-ha? That is a far more pressing and immediate concern.
  6. I applaud your designated driver! Are you sponsored by MADD? Or perhaps SADD? Because I think you just found yourself a brand new audience! Genius, K!
I hope this letter finds you well and pleather-free. That material is notorious for not breathing. We can't have breakouts on your young and supple pop-star epidermis. That's it for now.

Keeping it real,

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