October 23, 2009

Zombie Apocalypse To-Do List

  1. Get laser eye surgery. I have terrible, terrible vision. I can't focus on anything more than a foot from my face. Though my glasses make a fantastic fashion and identity statement, I'm sure I will lose them in the panic of an escape. They could get broken on my face, they could get knocked off my face and lost, they could get knocked off my face and broken, or someone could just steal them because one of the above happened to her. It takes one asshole pushing me to the side to get ahead and I'm zombie food. Contacts wouldn't be much better because unless my breasts produce saline solution, in a matter of days I could find myself with an eye infection. The only solution is laser surgery. As soon as the first reports of zombie infection hit the airwaves, to the surgeon I will go. It doesn't matter that I can't afford it. I'll slap it on my soon-to-be-obsolete credit card.
  2. Learn to shoot all kinds of guns. I've never held a gun before. I've never been around them and quite frankly they scare me. I know that once I learn how to shoot and operate a gun I will be less afraid of them so I need to get acquainted with the ways of the weapon. I won't buy one until I have to. Just like I won't get laser eye surgery until I have to. I'll just train with them. No one will believe that there really are zombies so it's not like there will be a big line at the Walmart gun counter. So I'm not too concerned.
  3. Lift weights. Speed is not an issue with traditional zombies. But hitting them really hard over the head certainly is. There will surely be guns (see #2,) but times will arise when I will be out of ammo, too close to shoot, or near flammables- those moments are when hitting them hard on the brain will be the only way to stop them. The post-apocalyptic world will also need strength to build, help injured, protect, and just not be a useless sack of goo.
  4. Gain stamina. I'm not talking just physical stamina but mental, emotional, and dietary stamina. I will need to get over certain meat issues and train my body to go longer without food. No, I am not developing an eating disorder. Calories will become a luxury when the plague hits. It's just that I get migraines when I don't eat that often and I can't be leaving a trail of migraine induced vomit for the zombies to follow. The mental and emotional stamina are necessary tools for overall survival. When the world around you begins to crumble and you lose the people you love, you need to survive more than not getting eaten. You need to survive the trappings of your own mind.
  5. Take a wilderness survival course. Everyone knows that urban centers are not the place to be during Z-Day. Get the hell out of densely populated zones. Rate of infection is directly correlated with rates of high population. Get to the mountains. The mountains give you a fresh(er) water supply, an invaluable vantage point, and countless resources. I'm not uncomfortable in the forest on a weekend hiking trip but if it comes down to living off the land I can't do it. So a class is in order.
  6. Learn a craft. In order to be useful to the rebuilding efforts, I need to learn how to build shit. Heck, I need to learn how to build shit period- zombies or not. This way I won't be sent to the fronts, I will be back rebuilding and helping the survivors. Of course, there are any number of skills I should acquire like sewing, killing animals, and having patience for assholes.
  7. Learn to run without my iPod. I mean really, how can I carry that with me if I don't think I can charge it? There is no knowing what will happen to power plants when the zombies get caught in the wiring. Oh who am I kidding? I'm totally bringing my iPod with me. I'll keep it as a way to cling to the life I will never have again. Besides, how will I listen to my killer Z-day soundtrack?

1 comment:

Carrie said...

You should send this post to a screen writer as a possible movie idea... :)