The Ratings That Never Were

Dear Channel 8 and Channel 10 News,

Remember me? I'm the young, articulate and quite attractive young woman with the fabulous hair and amazing teeth you interviewed last night while friends of mine and I were celebrating the inauguration at Citizen Action's party at Envy Lounge. I said some pretty insightful things about how the world can start to look towards America to lead competently in the global theatre and how Americans can walk around Europe with their heads at eye level- if I say so myself. You were so impressed that Channel 8, you told me to check me out at 10pm and Channel 10, you told me to check myself out at 11pm.

How excited I was that I could feel like more of Mike's family by appearing on television. You see, Mike's parents, grandparents, some uncles and brother have a knack of being caught on camera while doing things around town. So, I was thrilled to tell my future mother-in-law that I was going to be on the TeeVee. I was going to send the links to my family members- all of whom live out of state. Oh, the joy we would all share.

Well. Imagine my surprise when I turned on Channel 8 and there was no me. That's okay I guess. Channel 8, you didn't even have a microphone. You were open and said that you really just wanted shots of excited people with signs. I thought we were just having a one-on-one chat. You sort of made up for it with the ridiculous lead-in about a robbery at a Party Store in Detroit where "during this robbery no one was having fun." Like a party store that was really not a party store at all but a neighborhood market where I can cash my checks and by a 40 oz in one stop would really be a fun time without the robbery. (Actually, it's more dangerous than fun... It's sort of evil to provide a check service in a convenience store- I'll be so depressed about my puny check that I'll just buy a ton of malt liquor. Take about convenience!) To make me feel even better, you showed footage of a young man without a shirt but with a winter hat lazily whack the place up with a stick when the teller refused to give him money during said robbery.

And as for YOU Channel 10... You had a microphone! You asked me how to spell my name! You asked me way more questions than expected! You gave me broken promises! I stayed up past my bedtime! Who cares if you interviewed a bunch of other people whose interviews you didn't use? Who cares if your segment was only two minutes? And who cares if no one wants to hear about the opinion of a middle-class white girl in the election of our first African-American president? Bollocks to you!

Whatever. I'm awesome. Think of the ratings I could've given you. You will never see numbers that staggering. And who's fault is that?

Sincerely,
Katherine "I'm Just Too Awesome for TV" Sassafrass