October 2, 2013

Perk Up Buttercup

I don't know how long I can do this. I don't know how many first dates I can go on. I don't know how I'm going to put myself out there, 100% each time. I'm not a rock star, doing a show a night and putting it all out there for every ticket-buying fan. I'm just me. Looking for someone to share all of this with. Someone to whom I'm worth it.

There is no question I'm worth it. I'm worth someone's time. What I have to offer is valuable. So why am I feeling this way? Probably because I drank beer and listened to The National. That was a bad idea. Note to self- DON'T DO THAT AGAIN. A monotone, melodic, soul-bearing band who sings songs about "not being vacant anymore." Songs that say "I'm going to be open to life." And that means being open to heartache, to pain and ultimately to love. Oh how my heart aches.

Love comes in many shapes, sizes and flavors. My life is full of love. My family loves me. My friends love me. I... like myself a lot. I'm pretty funny I guess. Frankly, I'm happy. I'm not crying mascara tinted tears onto my keyboard right now. Or plain tears for that matter- I didn't wear mascara today. Pondering. I'm pondering out loud into the big cave that is the Internets.

Perfection is a falsehood. I'm not looking for Mr. Perfect. He doesn't exist. But I refuse to settle. What does that mean for me? I don't know. No one knows. There are millions of people searching. I'm one of the lucky ones. I don't have to search for a roof over my head, a family who loves me, friends who help me grow with love and laughter, a job that brings me joy. And I am grateful. So where is someone who can share in that gratefulness with me?

I don't need someone. I have me. I will always have me. I suppose I worry about the past affecting my future. No one wants to hurt. I've been hurting. I thought I found someone. I was wrong. I recently went on a date with someone who could lead to something. Not IT. But something. I was wrong about that too. I'd like to be right about the right thing. I don't want to be right all the time about this one not working out for whatever reason.

What am I saying? I'm not alone in my feelings and I'm not alone frankly put. It's time for me to call this a day. Watch the Vicar of Dibley get married. Sleep this beer off. Turn off the National. And dream of a future filled with promise. Whether I'm with a partner or not, my future will happen. And I'm the only one who makes my destiny. So imma make it.

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