- I'm effing broke. Working a two part-time job schedule in order to be ready to open a bookstore that just isn't happening any time soon is a drain on the finances. I thought I would be on the way to opening by now if not already open. Since that is not the case, the short term plan of attack has turned into a long, emotionally as well as financially, draining year. Triathlon is not a cheap hobby. That's fine- it's my only real hobby. But when I have to decide between draining my bank account in signing up for a race or making it to the next paycheck, I pick making it.
- I am in the worst physical shape that I've been in since I lost 95 pounds in the first place. My work schedules have been such that I couldn't find a consistent groove and not having a car compounds that. Mike would probably say that if I really wanted to I would've worked out. This is true. But when you're tired and depressed, getting motivated when all options are inconvenient is just incredibly hard.
- Because I haven't been working out for almost a year I don't fit into much of my clothes. Workout clothes and tri-suit included. I don't want to break an expensive tri-suit just because I squeezed myself into it and cut the circulation off at my thighs. And I'm not talking a few pounds heavier. I'm talking 20 pounds heavier than I was when I did my first race and 10 pounds from last year.
Triathlon is really intense. Even when I trained appropriately I couldn't just take joy in the fact that I was doing it. I beat myself up after every race because my times weren't what I wanted them to be. I thought I should just do the race this year because I would beat myself up anyway no matter how well I did. But I didn't want to put myself through that. I wouldn't enjoy it. And I don't want to do that with triathlon. So. There's other races towards the end of the summer. Maybe if I feel up to it I can sign up for one of them. But I'm not going to make myself. It's one thing making myself do something that I just don't feel like doing but really enjoy in the end. It's another to ruin something I love.