July 10, 2011

It's Ok? It's Ok.

This morning was the Pinebush Triathlon that I've done for the past three years. I didn't do it. I have some regret with my decision but I came to the conclusion to sit this year out for a few reasons.
  1. I'm effing broke. Working a two part-time job schedule in order to be ready to open a bookstore that just isn't happening any time soon is a drain on the finances. I thought I would be on the way to opening by now if not already open. Since that is not the case, the short term plan of attack has turned into a long, emotionally as well as financially, draining year. Triathlon is not a cheap hobby. That's fine- it's my only real hobby. But when I have to decide between draining my bank account in signing up for a race or making it to the next paycheck, I pick making it.
  2. I am in the worst physical shape that I've been in since I lost 95 pounds in the first place. My work schedules have been such that I couldn't find a consistent groove and not having a car compounds that. Mike would probably say that if I really wanted to I would've worked out. This is true. But when you're tired and depressed, getting motivated when all options are inconvenient is just incredibly hard.
  3. Because I haven't been working out for almost a year I don't fit into much of my clothes. Workout clothes and tri-suit included. I don't want to break an expensive tri-suit just because I squeezed myself into it and cut the circulation off at my thighs. And I'm not talking a few pounds heavier. I'm talking 20 pounds heavier than I was when I did my first race and 10 pounds from last year.
I know that I probably could have really figured out a way to do it rendering all but one of these excuses moot. But every time I did a workout I was really stressed about how that workout could help a race instead of just getting my level of activity back to normal. Making yourself do something when it's a triumph just getting to workout in the first place is a quick road to failure and not getting up again to do the next workout. So I just started doing things that I liked- biking, running, swimming included- and eating better. I feel better, more myself and I'm losing weight again.

Triathlon is really intense. Even when I trained appropriately I couldn't just take joy in the fact that I was doing it. I beat myself up after every race because my times weren't what I wanted them to be. I thought I should just do the race this year because I would beat myself up anyway no matter how well I did. But I didn't want to put myself through that. I wouldn't enjoy it. And I don't want to do that with triathlon. So. There's other races towards the end of the summer. Maybe if I feel up to it I can sign up for one of them. But I'm not going to make myself. It's one thing making myself do something that I just don't feel like doing but really enjoy in the end. It's another to ruin something I love.


dad said...

I know what you're going through. I'm reminded of my dad who said he could quit smoking whenever he wanted, and had in fact quit many times (he really said that). It's tough enough getting started; the true problem is keeping going with all the other demands made on our time and resources. It almost has to be more important than anything else. But don't give up. A fresh start is always just around the corner, and who knows, it might last a while. :)

Teresa said...

Hey don't beat yourself up. You'll get back to it. :) Love you.

Ryan W. said...

This is the essence of fitness, when you describe "So I just started doing things that I liked". If it wasn't for hockey, I'd never get any exercise. Tina says I'm addicted, I say it's my religion. Either way, when you love what you do, it's not work. *prepare for lameness* It's no longer a workout, it's a.... fun-out. I am a terrible person.