November 17, 2010

Is There a Twelve Step Program for This?

I have this on-going problem with having great disdain for women I really look up to. It's the jealousy and admiration tug-of-warring in my mind and heart that makes me be stupid and irrational about the following:

Gwenyth Paltrow is beautiful, can sing, can act and is Be-Fri with Beyonce. She has deep fryers in each kitchen- her English kitchens and her American kitchens. Oh and backyard pizza ovens. She's married to the lead singer and songwriter of Coldplay so her children probably already know how to write top 40 hits while reciting Shakespeare with their cute little half-American/half-British accents. Ms. Paltrow admits to eating like a normal person who simply cleanses and works out a lot for movies and stuff. That and she's naturally skinny. She didn't have to take archery or horse riding lessons for Emma because she had all the lessons she needed in prep school. She appears to be really generous and kind and I want to be her friend and throw red wine at her blonde hair all at the same time. That inner conflict makes me convert my confusion into hate and then project it onto her. And it's not fair. Or nice.

The Queen to-be of England, Kate Middleton, is my age. She comes from self-made millionaires and met Prince Willy at University where they did college things like normal people. Well as normal as the future King of England can be. Ms. Middleton wants to be in fashion and has recently interned in fashion houses. She and Willy have broken up and gotten back together as much as any college-aged lovers and that makes me think that she knows what she wants. And that takes bravery if it means dumping your country's future sovereign. But that's not what makes me evergreen with jealousy. She's beautiful. If I could look like anyone else, it would BE Kate Middleton. And oh, do I wish I didn't look like myself. Her taste in clothing is impeccable, the English love her and she's down to Earth and simply FUCKING LOVELY. I want to be her friend. Oh the laughs we would have over bottles of red wine. Except our lives will never intercept and I must admire and loathe her from a distance.

Who doesn't know the face of the Harvard-educated and incredibly articulate Natalie Portman? I don't have such an issue with her as I do the other women in my list but what's a list with only two items on it? So I added her. She's pretty, wears ethical clothing and jewelry, picks fantastic film projects and I don't know if you've noticed- has a PERFECT FACE. I don't think there is anything physically imperfect about her. She sucks.

Yes. I only have a problem with these women because I am insecure and unhappy. But that's okay. I don't have the money they do and that entitles me to be bitter. Except it doesn't. There is no excuse for me to dislike or, frankly, like these women. I don't know them. All I know is what I read and project onto them. But you know what? I think they are all wonderful. And how can one strive to be better without role models?


Teresa said...

You're gorgeous. I'd die for your skin and your eyes and smile are amazing. You hate your hair, I know, but to someone who can't keep a curl to save her life, your bouncy curls are so awesome. You're impassioned and driven and love life. You are constantly trying to improve on yourself and the world, and are also hilarious, culturally adept, and open. You have energy like no one I know. Katherine, I want to be your friend and drink wine with you and have you make me a better person.

I don't hate you. But I do wish you would see how much better you make the world just being in it.

belleshpgrl said...

You are my friend.

Teresa said...

Yeah... We just can't really hang out the way I'd like.